new youtube video!

'tis shiny and prettyful. It also is Kingdom Hearts (which by itself is shiny and prettyful), but I put it to the song "The Game" by Disturbed. Check it out!

Go tell all your friends! Not only do I finally have a blog that's now being updated and a deviantART that has new stuff as I do it, but my YouTube channel is active again (or should I say it, finally). I be doin' stuffs!

Now, being the corporate sell-out I am (joking), I will shamelessly advertise my best friend, Mysti, and her spiffy YouTube-ness. http://www.youtube.com/user/crazy4thesun. Check it out nao. Unlike me, she works with TV shows, doing a lot of spiffy stuff, and she runs contests! (She's got on open now that closes in two days) And the past has shown that she creates stuff one crud-ton more frequently than I do (I'm hoping to create more as time goes on...). She's just generally all-around awesome. And, no, I'm not biased at all. :-P

What's to come? Well, my devaintART will be seeing some action as soon as sometime today with scans from a journal-ish book I created back in November. I call it my "burn book", even though it is definitely not a book of names or anything. It's called a burn book because, at the time I was actively writing in it, I would have had to burn it if anyone got their hands on it. There's stuff in there that would get me commited, some of which I'm sharing with the world once I can get the scanner working. My YouTube channel will be seeing (hopefully soon) a Death Note AMV that I'm working on to My Chemical Romance's "I Never Told You What I Do For A Living". That's all I can think of.

That's it for now, hope you enjoy!

the dilemma

"Dad asked me a weird question at dinner yesterday that's been bugging me. He asked me if the summer was boring for me. That's never been an issue before, and it hadn't even really crossed my mind. But the more I think about it, the more I think he may be onto something. I'm bored. Not as crazy as I was during February break, but still pretty sick of the same day-in day-out shit. And my evil insomnia is not helping. There's really only so much one can do with her time. I want this summer to end and RIT to begin. Wow, I can't believe I said, "I want the summer to end." I must be going out of my mind. I mean, it's not that I'm not happy, it's just... I'm bored. Even biking doesn't really help that much. Again, there's only so many places to go. Me, loner to the extreme, craves social contact. I'm lonely and bored and I miss Stephen and Wilson with an aching vengence. I haven't seen Stephen since before graduation. The only friends I've seen at all, in fact, are Mysti and Ahmed. I miss people. People in general. I miss waking up every morning knowing I'll see hundreds of friendly faces. I miss DVC. I miss the safety and security of the Wilson hallways. I miss everyone I knew. I miss my mom and brother. I miss all my teachers. I miss the administrators and sentries and counselors. I even miss the people I didn't really know. Damn, I would give the world for just one in Wilson. One more day of routine with all the people I care about around me. I never knew I could get this lonely."
--Excerpt from Summer Journal 2008, Wednesday - 7/16/2008

I wrote this two weeks ago, and since then, I have had more contact, and I have seen Stephen (for those of you who don't know, he's my boyfriend)... but I'm still lonely. Most of what I said then still applies. I've found myself here, now, awake at 4:30AM, looking at my friend's photos on facebook, looking at the good times they've had this summer, and crying. I know it's pathetic. And I know I have no right to complain about being out of high school; I was the one who made the choice to graduate early. So I have no one to blame but myself. But even if I hadn't graduated, wouldn't I still be in this same predicament? The summer happens whether you are still in high school or not. And as I said in my previous post, raison d'etre, friends are my reason for living. I have been going a bit crazy this summer, cooped up here, alone most of the time. And even when my dad and step-mom are here, it's not the same as being around friends. I've only known them for about eight months. Things are still a bit awkward at times. Oh well. When I get like this, I write. And you, kind reader, get to see the outcome of this.

I mentioned how I went bat-shit insane over February break in the excerpt from the journal, and I feel that needs better explaination. During this past February break (2008), I got so extremely stir-crazy, I scared even myself. I don't know exactly why I got that way, but all I know is I badly wanted to just get on a bus and go to the middle of nowhere for a few days. That break was right smack-dab in the middle of Ayreon, so it's well documented. I just thought I'd share with you some of my crazed ranting from that week:

"I JUST NEED TO FUCKING GET AWAY! But I fucking can't. I can't even ask. How could I, anyway? I know what the answer will be already: "No. I'm responsible for you, and you're a minor. If anything happened to you, it would be on my head. You could be hurt or kidnapped, and no one would be there to help you. You also need to be supervised..." WHY THE FUCK DO MINORS HAVE NO FUCKING RIGHTS?! And I know he'd be thinking, 'what if she never comes back?' I have no way of showing them, proving to them I'd come back, other than my word. Trust is still being built. Now is not the time to test it..."
--Excerpt from Ayreon Rant 2008, Thursday - 2/21/2008, Day Twenty-Five: Disappear

"It's 7AM. I've been up all night, planning a possible getaway - take a bus from Farm Park to Java's, and spend the day there. So, I looked up everything I needed. Bus 7 leaves Farm Park at 7:21AM, arriving at Main+Clinton at 7:55. It's about a two-block walk to Java's from there, a short walk. It's just as easy on the return. So, I asked Dad. Yes, I finally stood up and asked him. And was promptly reminded why I shouldn't get my hopes up enough to ask. He said, "No... I just... don't feel comfortable about this... the bus, the walk, sitting in a cafe alone... no." I stayed chipper around him, thanking him for at least considering, but inside, my heart was torn out. I fucking need to punch something right now. Why the fuck do minors have no rights? Why can't dad trust me to take care of myself? Today will be just what I thought it would be - another day of me just sitting around, writing. Another waste. Another 24 hours defined by the number of pages I get written. I'm fucking trapped in a fucking prison. So here I am, crying, pathetic, and hopeless. And the saddest thing is, I should have seen this coming..."
--Excerpt from Ayreon Rant 2008, Friday - 2/22/2008, Day Twenty-Six: Hopeless

A lot has changed since then. For one thing, my dad has given me a lot more freedom. He now trusts me to go places on my own: by bus, by bike, and on foot. Hell, he's the one who got me my bike. It was his graduation gift to me. It just took time to build that trust. Another thing that's changed is actually best shown through something I wrote back in June:

"...In fact, the freedom is refreshing. Although, a lot of stuff that's happened to me over the last few days (as well as over the last few months) has got me thinking: wow, holy shit, I've grown up. Here I am, on my own, drinking coffee and sitting outside Arnett library, waiting for it to open... but, most of all, it's the thoughts that crossed my mind that made me realize that I'd grown up. As I was walking from Stephen's to Arnett, I was thinking, "Wow. seven months ago, if I had seventeen some-odd dollars and four hours in which no one could possibly know I was missing, and ten hours before anyone would probably realize it; if I had money and time and was near downtown, I'd skip town and never come back." Now, the last thing I'd do would be to skip town. I am home; I am happy. I have freedom, therefore I don't abuse it. I have the kind of freedom that is my dad drops me off at my boyfriend's house before 7AM and trusts me to make my way to my exam on time and be safe and then take a bus downtown to get myself my work permit and then take a bus to Farm Park and walk home, keeping in communication with him at a few points so he knows I'm okay. Every part of that, from Stephen's, to transportation, to work permit, to communication - these are all my freedoms. And that is my plan for the day. And it's all been not only approved, but encouraged by Dad..."
--Excerpt from Summer Journal 2008, Tuesday - 6/17/2008

Wow, I've rambled. And got really off topic. Oh well. I guess the best way to sum this whole post up is: I miss everyone.

So, yeah - if you find yourself awake during the wee hours of the night and want someone to talk to, I'm here. You can call me or message me anytime of the day or night. Honestly, I'd love the company. The worst that could happen is you just don't reach me.

raison d'etre

I was just listening to a song called "Raison D'etre"*, and I got to thinking about the meaning of the phrase. It means "reason for being": a purpose in existing. This is actually really deep, if you think about it. I'm kinda curious - what is your raison d'etre? If you had to chose one thing to be your reason for existing, what would it be. This question has no wrong answer - or right one, for that matter. Just whatever.

My own personal raison d'etre, I'd have to say, is my friends. I'd go bat-shit insane without them. Even though I seem like a loner a lot of the time and can be off on my own for hours without any problem, it's the people that I care about that keep me grounded when I need it. Just being around other people is one of the best things I can think of. I can think of no worse hell than being alone forever.

I had a conversation with one of my friends recently, and he was saying how everything is a competition and how it's impossible and wrong to get close to people. There are no words to describe the feelings I had at that: mixed confusion, hurt, and even understanding and hope. Confusion because I had never seen that kind of vehement hatred toward humanity from him. Hurt because I thought he saw the value in friendship. I did understand because I had been like that back in the beginning of tenth grade (I was miserable, and I was not a happy person to be around). I had hope because I felt I could explain to him the importance of human connection. What I said to him was roughly what follows:

When you have friends, you know you'll never be alone - you always will have someone to turn to when you are feeling down. You'll have amazing times and amazing highs, a smile is only a phone call or a visit away. The memories you'll share with friends are priceless. You, in many ways, become your friends. You share your life and bare your heart for another person, and that takes a lot of dedication and trust. Friends, much more than enemies, have the power to hurt you. Betrayal hurts like almost nothing else. The thing about friendship is, a true friend wouldn't intentionally hurt you. And sure, if someone you care about leaves, or dies, or whatever, it hurts. It hurts like hell because you care. But the pain is temporary. Life always goes on, and you'll always have the memories. And if you're open and caring and warm, you'll never be without friends. So even if one friend is gone, you'll have others to help support you. You wonder why people aren't nice to you; why people are rude and cold and hurtful to you? Because you were to them first. Being impersonal and cold and uppity around people won't give them any reason to try to befriend you. This gets into a TOK thing: self-interest theory vs. altruism. One way of looking at it, people see you being cold and unfriendly and see no benefit from being close to you, no possible bonding or help for themselves later down the road in a relationship with you. The other way, people see you being cold for no reason, and rather than put their resources (time, energy) into trying to crack your shell, they spend these resources on others who openly accept them - helping those they can as much as they can. So, either way, being cynical is going to get you nowhere. Sure, it'll shield you from the possible pain of loss, but what kind of trade-of is that, when instead you get the definite pain of loneliness and all that comes with it? Believe it or not, it takes a lot of work to hate everyone (or even to hate only a specific person) if you're able to see how other people think and feel on any sort of level. If you're having trouble identifying with someone, or can't understand why they're acting the way they are, try to look at their past and the way they think and their story to understand them better. Ask why. Often, this question's answer will give you more information than who, what, when, where, and how combined. And once you understand why, you can relate in some way, and then it's impossible to hold a grudge. Anyways, understanding and friendship and caring feels a lot better than bitterness and loneliness. Friendship doesn't have to be a competition. Just enjoy it while you're blessed with it, and work to keep it throughout your entire life.

And that's why friendship is my raison d'etre.

A lot of people probably thought it was music. Well, it's true that I would go nuts without it, friendship is more important in the long run. And it takes a lot for me to say that something is more important than music.

So, yeah, in case you forgot the original question: what is your reason for being?

*Here's the song from Nightmare (a really awesome jrock group) - http://youtube.com/watch?v=VdWnrKtgby0 (the song itself doesn't start until about twelve seconds in)

//NOTA BENE: All you peeps who are seeing this on Facebook, feel free to comment there, I'll move the comments here to blogspot (I have my ways) so everyone can see them (unless you don't want me to, but make sure you say that).

Also, for all you who didn't take Latin, "Nota bene" is Latin for "Note well"

night out - grease!

Imagine this scenario: your sixteen-year-old daughter goes out with her friends for an evening, and comes back at 10:30PM with only one shoe on, holding a half-eaten bag of Cheetos. Yeah, my dad probably would have freaked a little if he saw me come in this evening. The thing is, he went out with Lisa (my step-mom) before Mysti (my best friend) came to pick me up, and he's still not home.

So yeah, I went to see the Pittsford Summer Enrinchment Institute's production of Grease tonight. It was closing night, and it was amazing. Kudos to the cast and crew! (a special shout-out to my long-time friend, Stephanie Krusch, who was positively amazing). I was only wearing one shoe when I came home because my flip-flops were being evil. The left one is completely shot. Oh well. I decided at intermission to screw trying to walk in it and just put in my bag for the rest of the night. And the sad thing is, no one but my closest friends (who were already well aware of my shoe woes) noticed. Wow. The Cheetos came curtosy of Anita Handa (another long-time friend); she got them for me at intermission. All in all, it was quite an enjoyable evening.

I'm now chilling at home again, still munching on Cheetos. All hail the orange, cheesy glory!