network reports is running

Just a heads up to everyone - and this started last night, actually - my dad is taking my computer at night. No, I'm not in trouble (well, maybe just a little). Oh well. Here's the scoop:

All the computers here are hooked up to a network (as computers often are), and my dad has this software (Network Magic) that helps him manage it. Now, it doesn't really help with this bizarre computer (which still refuses to actually see anything on the network besides the internet), but he's got the software on here anyway. And every day, it generates a "Network Report" - which shows internet usage by hour, my IE history, and what applications haver been running on my computer and for how long. Dad has seen me constantly on during the wee hours of the night, and in an attempt to un-fuck-me-up for college, he decided the only thing he could do was take my computer and phone at night (he could tell from phone records, too, that I've been up nights) and give them back to me in the morning. Now, as far as I know, this is only really lasting for four nights (including last night and tonight). Starting Friday night and going all next week, I'll be in Boston with Emily (my awesome cousin), and I should have my computer and phone available. The only thing is, it'll still be generating those network reports. So, in order to have my computer available nights when I come back from Boston, I'll have to keep internet usage down at night and actually fix my sleep schedule (what schedule?) Anyways, I've been having issues getting to sleep nights. Take last night for instance - even though I didn't have my computer and I honestly tried to sleep, I ended up reading for about two hours, finally getting to sleep just after midnight, and waking up at 3AM for the rest of the day. And now it's 3PM. Oh well. I'm nocturnal by nature, and hopefully I can turn that around in the next week or so.

Wish me luck!

the dilemma

"Dad asked me a weird question at dinner yesterday that's been bugging me. He asked me if the summer was boring for me. That's never been an issue before, and it hadn't even really crossed my mind. But the more I think about it, the more I think he may be onto something. I'm bored. Not as crazy as I was during February break, but still pretty sick of the same day-in day-out shit. And my evil insomnia is not helping. There's really only so much one can do with her time. I want this summer to end and RIT to begin. Wow, I can't believe I said, "I want the summer to end." I must be going out of my mind. I mean, it's not that I'm not happy, it's just... I'm bored. Even biking doesn't really help that much. Again, there's only so many places to go. Me, loner to the extreme, craves social contact. I'm lonely and bored and I miss Stephen and Wilson with an aching vengence. I haven't seen Stephen since before graduation. The only friends I've seen at all, in fact, are Mysti and Ahmed. I miss people. People in general. I miss waking up every morning knowing I'll see hundreds of friendly faces. I miss DVC. I miss the safety and security of the Wilson hallways. I miss everyone I knew. I miss my mom and brother. I miss all my teachers. I miss the administrators and sentries and counselors. I even miss the people I didn't really know. Damn, I would give the world for just one in Wilson. One more day of routine with all the people I care about around me. I never knew I could get this lonely."
--Excerpt from Summer Journal 2008, Wednesday - 7/16/2008

I wrote this two weeks ago, and since then, I have had more contact, and I have seen Stephen (for those of you who don't know, he's my boyfriend)... but I'm still lonely. Most of what I said then still applies. I've found myself here, now, awake at 4:30AM, looking at my friend's photos on facebook, looking at the good times they've had this summer, and crying. I know it's pathetic. And I know I have no right to complain about being out of high school; I was the one who made the choice to graduate early. So I have no one to blame but myself. But even if I hadn't graduated, wouldn't I still be in this same predicament? The summer happens whether you are still in high school or not. And as I said in my previous post, raison d'etre, friends are my reason for living. I have been going a bit crazy this summer, cooped up here, alone most of the time. And even when my dad and step-mom are here, it's not the same as being around friends. I've only known them for about eight months. Things are still a bit awkward at times. Oh well. When I get like this, I write. And you, kind reader, get to see the outcome of this.

I mentioned how I went bat-shit insane over February break in the excerpt from the journal, and I feel that needs better explaination. During this past February break (2008), I got so extremely stir-crazy, I scared even myself. I don't know exactly why I got that way, but all I know is I badly wanted to just get on a bus and go to the middle of nowhere for a few days. That break was right smack-dab in the middle of Ayreon, so it's well documented. I just thought I'd share with you some of my crazed ranting from that week:

"I JUST NEED TO FUCKING GET AWAY! But I fucking can't. I can't even ask. How could I, anyway? I know what the answer will be already: "No. I'm responsible for you, and you're a minor. If anything happened to you, it would be on my head. You could be hurt or kidnapped, and no one would be there to help you. You also need to be supervised..." WHY THE FUCK DO MINORS HAVE NO FUCKING RIGHTS?! And I know he'd be thinking, 'what if she never comes back?' I have no way of showing them, proving to them I'd come back, other than my word. Trust is still being built. Now is not the time to test it..."
--Excerpt from Ayreon Rant 2008, Thursday - 2/21/2008, Day Twenty-Five: Disappear

"It's 7AM. I've been up all night, planning a possible getaway - take a bus from Farm Park to Java's, and spend the day there. So, I looked up everything I needed. Bus 7 leaves Farm Park at 7:21AM, arriving at Main+Clinton at 7:55. It's about a two-block walk to Java's from there, a short walk. It's just as easy on the return. So, I asked Dad. Yes, I finally stood up and asked him. And was promptly reminded why I shouldn't get my hopes up enough to ask. He said, "No... I just... don't feel comfortable about this... the bus, the walk, sitting in a cafe alone... no." I stayed chipper around him, thanking him for at least considering, but inside, my heart was torn out. I fucking need to punch something right now. Why the fuck do minors have no rights? Why can't dad trust me to take care of myself? Today will be just what I thought it would be - another day of me just sitting around, writing. Another waste. Another 24 hours defined by the number of pages I get written. I'm fucking trapped in a fucking prison. So here I am, crying, pathetic, and hopeless. And the saddest thing is, I should have seen this coming..."
--Excerpt from Ayreon Rant 2008, Friday - 2/22/2008, Day Twenty-Six: Hopeless

A lot has changed since then. For one thing, my dad has given me a lot more freedom. He now trusts me to go places on my own: by bus, by bike, and on foot. Hell, he's the one who got me my bike. It was his graduation gift to me. It just took time to build that trust. Another thing that's changed is actually best shown through something I wrote back in June:

"...In fact, the freedom is refreshing. Although, a lot of stuff that's happened to me over the last few days (as well as over the last few months) has got me thinking: wow, holy shit, I've grown up. Here I am, on my own, drinking coffee and sitting outside Arnett library, waiting for it to open... but, most of all, it's the thoughts that crossed my mind that made me realize that I'd grown up. As I was walking from Stephen's to Arnett, I was thinking, "Wow. seven months ago, if I had seventeen some-odd dollars and four hours in which no one could possibly know I was missing, and ten hours before anyone would probably realize it; if I had money and time and was near downtown, I'd skip town and never come back." Now, the last thing I'd do would be to skip town. I am home; I am happy. I have freedom, therefore I don't abuse it. I have the kind of freedom that is my dad drops me off at my boyfriend's house before 7AM and trusts me to make my way to my exam on time and be safe and then take a bus downtown to get myself my work permit and then take a bus to Farm Park and walk home, keeping in communication with him at a few points so he knows I'm okay. Every part of that, from Stephen's, to transportation, to work permit, to communication - these are all my freedoms. And that is my plan for the day. And it's all been not only approved, but encouraged by Dad..."
--Excerpt from Summer Journal 2008, Tuesday - 6/17/2008

Wow, I've rambled. And got really off topic. Oh well. I guess the best way to sum this whole post up is: I miss everyone.

So, yeah - if you find yourself awake during the wee hours of the night and want someone to talk to, I'm here. You can call me or message me anytime of the day or night. Honestly, I'd love the company. The worst that could happen is you just don't reach me.

raison d'etre

I was just listening to a song called "Raison D'etre"*, and I got to thinking about the meaning of the phrase. It means "reason for being": a purpose in existing. This is actually really deep, if you think about it. I'm kinda curious - what is your raison d'etre? If you had to chose one thing to be your reason for existing, what would it be. This question has no wrong answer - or right one, for that matter. Just whatever.

My own personal raison d'etre, I'd have to say, is my friends. I'd go bat-shit insane without them. Even though I seem like a loner a lot of the time and can be off on my own for hours without any problem, it's the people that I care about that keep me grounded when I need it. Just being around other people is one of the best things I can think of. I can think of no worse hell than being alone forever.

I had a conversation with one of my friends recently, and he was saying how everything is a competition and how it's impossible and wrong to get close to people. There are no words to describe the feelings I had at that: mixed confusion, hurt, and even understanding and hope. Confusion because I had never seen that kind of vehement hatred toward humanity from him. Hurt because I thought he saw the value in friendship. I did understand because I had been like that back in the beginning of tenth grade (I was miserable, and I was not a happy person to be around). I had hope because I felt I could explain to him the importance of human connection. What I said to him was roughly what follows:

When you have friends, you know you'll never be alone - you always will have someone to turn to when you are feeling down. You'll have amazing times and amazing highs, a smile is only a phone call or a visit away. The memories you'll share with friends are priceless. You, in many ways, become your friends. You share your life and bare your heart for another person, and that takes a lot of dedication and trust. Friends, much more than enemies, have the power to hurt you. Betrayal hurts like almost nothing else. The thing about friendship is, a true friend wouldn't intentionally hurt you. And sure, if someone you care about leaves, or dies, or whatever, it hurts. It hurts like hell because you care. But the pain is temporary. Life always goes on, and you'll always have the memories. And if you're open and caring and warm, you'll never be without friends. So even if one friend is gone, you'll have others to help support you. You wonder why people aren't nice to you; why people are rude and cold and hurtful to you? Because you were to them first. Being impersonal and cold and uppity around people won't give them any reason to try to befriend you. This gets into a TOK thing: self-interest theory vs. altruism. One way of looking at it, people see you being cold and unfriendly and see no benefit from being close to you, no possible bonding or help for themselves later down the road in a relationship with you. The other way, people see you being cold for no reason, and rather than put their resources (time, energy) into trying to crack your shell, they spend these resources on others who openly accept them - helping those they can as much as they can. So, either way, being cynical is going to get you nowhere. Sure, it'll shield you from the possible pain of loss, but what kind of trade-of is that, when instead you get the definite pain of loneliness and all that comes with it? Believe it or not, it takes a lot of work to hate everyone (or even to hate only a specific person) if you're able to see how other people think and feel on any sort of level. If you're having trouble identifying with someone, or can't understand why they're acting the way they are, try to look at their past and the way they think and their story to understand them better. Ask why. Often, this question's answer will give you more information than who, what, when, where, and how combined. And once you understand why, you can relate in some way, and then it's impossible to hold a grudge. Anyways, understanding and friendship and caring feels a lot better than bitterness and loneliness. Friendship doesn't have to be a competition. Just enjoy it while you're blessed with it, and work to keep it throughout your entire life.

And that's why friendship is my raison d'etre.

A lot of people probably thought it was music. Well, it's true that I would go nuts without it, friendship is more important in the long run. And it takes a lot for me to say that something is more important than music.

So, yeah, in case you forgot the original question: what is your reason for being?

*Here's the song from Nightmare (a really awesome jrock group) - http://youtube.com/watch?v=VdWnrKtgby0 (the song itself doesn't start until about twelve seconds in)

//NOTA BENE: All you peeps who are seeing this on Facebook, feel free to comment there, I'll move the comments here to blogspot (I have my ways) so everyone can see them (unless you don't want me to, but make sure you say that).

Also, for all you who didn't take Latin, "Nota bene" is Latin for "Note well"

attention ebay buyer!

Attention Ebay Buyer! Some dangerous viruses detected in your system. Microsoft Windows XP files corrupted. This may lead to the destruction of important files in C:\WINDOWS. Download protection software now!

Click OK to download the antispyware. (Recommended)

Perhaps I should start with an explanation. This is a complicated and most aggravating situation.

It all started with Dr. Horrible. Yes, the amazing piece of amazingness that Joss Whedon did. I was obsessed with it while it was still free on the internet (I mean, completely gone-nuts-obsessed - I must have watched it the whole way through a couple dozen times), and I knew I would want to see it more after Whedon took it off the internet, and so I planned on actually buying it (that really is a concept; I have my ways of getting stuff from the internet for free by sticking my fingers in and seeing what falls out, and with the popularity of Dr. Horrible, I knew it would be relatively easy to find a free copy). I wanted to buy it because I loved it so much and wanted to do whatever I could to help support the creators. So, I went out and bought an iTunes gift card for myself on Saturday and purchased Dr. Horrible from iTunes.

I was ecstatic! I finally had Dr. Horrible on my computer! It had been nearly a week with no Dr. Horrible-ness, and I needed a fix. So, I hunkered myself down for a good forty-five minutes of awesomeness. Now, my computer has issues playing movie files in iTunes - it just doesn't have enough memory or something (I'm actually not sure if it's the memory or some other issue, but from my knowledge of computers, I assume it's the memory). I had noticed this issue that my computer has when trying to watch a video podcast I subscribe to (The Onion News Network). I found that to watch it, I would have to close iTunes (and everything else on my computer, including AIM, Internet Explorer, and anything else I might be working in (such as Word)), open Windows Explorer, find the files, and watch them in QuickTime for any semblance of smooth playing. It was annoying, but I lived. Anyways, Dr. Horrible gave me the same issues playing as did The Onion, and so I sighed, closed everything, and opened the files in QuickTime. It ran okay-ish, still lagging enough to bother me.

After some thought, I came up with a brilliant idea to solve the skipping. Burn the files onto a CD and watch it downstairs on the TV! I reopened iTunes, made a playlist with the Dr. Horrible files, and joyously clicked "Burn Disc", only to have the awful killjoy of an error message from iTunes: "None of the files can be burned". Turns out iTunes can't burn video discs, only audio ones. *retches* I did some more thinking, and then remembered a .zip archive I had seen in the Pics and Shit folder on my computer: Nero. I didn't remember downloading it, but I decided it would do nicely. I unzipped it and went through the whole installation process, throughout which, oddly, it kept referring to me as "Ebay Buyer". I didn't consider that this might not be legit; I figured, if it wasn't, avast! (my antivirus program) would catch it and alert me (it's been very good about that in the past). I guess the "Ebay Buyer" thing should have been was first red flag. Or maybe it was the fact that I didn't remember downloading it. Who knows what the first thing was. Anyways, I tried to use it, and just about two seconds after I had installed it, it was telling me the trial version had expired and it was unusable. And yet still, I (in all my never-ending wisdom), still didn't think it might not be legit. I thought that maybe it'd been installed before on this computer (possibly by my Uncle Mark, whose computer this was before he lent it to me).

I went about my business normally, but annoyed that I couldn't burn Dr. Horrible, for the next little bit. I don't remember exactly when everything went to hell, but the first sign was Windows Explorer. I opened a My Computer window, clicked the Up button to get to the Desktop, dealt with some files there, and then clicked on the My Computer icon from there to get back to see how much room I had on C:\, and the error message appeared. "Attention Ebay Buyer!" There were two choices: Yes and No. Of course, I had finally smelled the rat. I realized that this was no good, and went to try to avoid either choice (figuring both would lead me to trouble); I tried to click the little 'x' in the corner to close it, but it was greyed out. So, I did the only thing I could do. I clicked No. Now, I had been in Firefox doing some downloading (it's got a much better downloading engine than IE does), and after I clicked No, the evil program hijacked my Firefox tab and opened its own website, which Firefox proceeded to (urgently) warn me was a phishing scam and had malware and the like. I clicked the Firefox "Get Me Out Of Here!" thing that appeared and Firefox took me to my homepage. Shaken, I immediately started hunting down all of the Nero things that I could find on my computer and getting rid of them (this was tricky because Windows Explorer would generate the error message any time I went from any one folder to another - the only thing I could do to avoid the website was Ctrl-Alt-Del and end-task the error message (which would then bring down all of explorer, which would cause not only the window I was working in to close, but the desktop and start bar to go on the fritz for a minute). Once I was pretty sure I had gotten rid of everything, I scanned the entire computer with avast!, and then I went out to the Windows website (still from Firefox) and yoinked the Malware Removal Tool and ran it, too. Both things came up blank. Relieved, I decided to test it. I opened another Windows Explorer and attempted to go from My Computer to Desktop and back again. *DINK* Error message.

Angry and scared, I decided to try to find out what precisely was wrong by consulting the great internet. I had closed Firefox and decided to use Internet Explorer for this task. I open IE, and *DINKDINKDINKDINK* four Ebay Buyer messages, and all four of my tabs that I have auto-open on start were hijacked to the malware site. And IE doesn't have the saving "Get Me Out Of Here!" thing. I'm panicking, and so I just decide to Ctrl-Alt-Del and close IE by ending its process (a much faster and more brutal way of ending a program). Once it's down, I decide to purposefully elicit an error message from Windows Explorer and try ending various processes so I can figure out precisely what's causing the messages. I stick my fingers in and end every single process that I don't recognize, but the message is still there, staring and laughing at me.

I have resigned myself to not being able to use IE (which is the browser I generally prefer) and avoiding using Windows Explorer as much as possible until I can figure out precisely what's wrong. I've tried a lot of things (such as installing other antivirus programs, but those only resulted in a panicky few minutes where I thought I'd lost avast! and was left completely exposed), and once this blog entry is published, I'm going to try reinstalling IE. The explorer engine appears to be the only thing affected by the Ebay Buyer thing, so if the IE reinstall doesn't work, I'm going to try to find a way to reinstall Windows XP entirely (how I'll do that without a key, I have no idea). I've searched the 'net to try to find out what precisely causes the problem and how to get rid of it, but come up with nothing. If anyone has any ideas, please help!

And yeah, I know I fucked up. I fucked up badly. Oh well.

night out - grease!

Imagine this scenario: your sixteen-year-old daughter goes out with her friends for an evening, and comes back at 10:30PM with only one shoe on, holding a half-eaten bag of Cheetos. Yeah, my dad probably would have freaked a little if he saw me come in this evening. The thing is, he went out with Lisa (my step-mom) before Mysti (my best friend) came to pick me up, and he's still not home.

So yeah, I went to see the Pittsford Summer Enrinchment Institute's production of Grease tonight. It was closing night, and it was amazing. Kudos to the cast and crew! (a special shout-out to my long-time friend, Stephanie Krusch, who was positively amazing). I was only wearing one shoe when I came home because my flip-flops were being evil. The left one is completely shot. Oh well. I decided at intermission to screw trying to walk in it and just put in my bag for the rest of the night. And the sad thing is, no one but my closest friends (who were already well aware of my shoe woes) noticed. Wow. The Cheetos came curtosy of Anita Handa (another long-time friend); she got them for me at intermission. All in all, it was quite an enjoyable evening.

I'm now chilling at home again, still munching on Cheetos. All hail the orange, cheesy glory!